6 Parenting Lessons I’ve Learned Lately
Sep/0931
The last couple of weeks ‘V’ (my wife) and I have been taking part in a weekly evening program called ‘Positive Parenting’. We’ve been parents (of those two little guys over on the right) for a bit over 3 years now and thought it might be good to get a bit of input on the topic. While much of it so far has been more reinforcing what we’re already doing by instinct – it’s also been helpful to be given frameworks for some of the concepts.
While much of it is common sense in some regards being given language to describe the ideas gives us some more techniques to try.
A few of these techniques that I’ve enjoyed:
- Escalation Trap – most parents have experienced it. It’s a pattern whereby you as a parent only seem to get your child to do anything by escalating your efforts to get their attention – ie shouting, screaming, threats and craziness. The child also uses the same technique to get what they want – (tantrums). When this pattern takes over a family things can get pretty crazy as everyone’s pattern of behavior is to only respond to escalated behavior and to get their way by escalating.
- Ask, Say, Do – a cool little technique for teaching a child to do something. Instead of taking complete control of a situation and doing everything for the child you start by asking them what they think they need to do first (giving them an opportunity to say what the first step is). If they ’say’ it correctly you move on to ‘Doing’ but if they don’t you then ’say’ what they need to do first. ‘Do’ is all about the child doing with you assisting – rather than the other way around. Then when the first step is complete you go through the cycle again (ask, say, do). I’ve been using this one for a few days now and our eldest really enjoys it – something about him being in control but there being a clear process seems to work well for him.
- Accidental Rewards – where you reward bad behavior – sometimes just to make a child stop behaving badly (buying the toy they want when they’re throwing a tantrum in the supermarket) or sometimes inadvertently by giving the child attention when they’re doing something antisocial (laughing when the child throws mashed potato at their grandmother). The problem with these accidental rewards is that the child learns that the behavior can get them something and they’re sure to repeat it.
I think some of the other ‘lessons’ that I’ve found helpful are:
- Telling not Asking – instead of saying ‘do you think it’s time for a bath now?’ saying ‘it’s time for a bath now’ – the first option gives the child the option to say no and then leaves you needing to convince or negotiate. The second option might also get a ‘no’ but is less likely to get that result. I guess it’s about assertive instructions rather than open ended ones.
- Other Bad Instructions – there are a heap of other bad ways to give instructions – giving too many at once (telling a 3 year old to do anything more than 1 thing is too many), not giving clear or detailed enough instructions (telling a child to eat with their cutlery without having taken the time to show them how), giving instructions that are vague, too hard, from one room to another, with bad body language. I guess it’s made me realize that many times it’s not a child who’s being disobedient but me as a parent who is simply not communicating well.
- Quality Time – I’ve always tried to set aside time for one on one time with my boys. I usually try give put aside extended amounts of ‘quality time’. This week though part of the teaching was that quality time was often best in short sharp doses. Anything from 30 seconds to a couple of minutes of complete focus on a child is really important at multiple times during the day. I guess I ‘knew’ this and do it – but it was good to know that it’s not just about long periods of time.
We’re only at week 2 of a 4 week course but so far it’s been a beneficial time of learning. Will try to put together some more thoughts on the final two weeks.
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11:49 am on September 2nd, 2009
Darren those are indeed wise words. I have been a parent for 16 years now. Never a dull moment.
Wishing you a scent-sational day!
Patty Reiser
11:49 am on September 2nd, 2009
These are some really helpful tips — thank you for sharing.
Your comment about instructions is really insightful — I think a lot of parents fall into this type of mistake when they are flustered & expecting more of their children than might be age appropriate.
11:50 am on September 2nd, 2009
My parents frequently gave us lists of tasks to accomplish. Lists can be extremely daunting and yes, body language is important. If you’re being nice but you look like you’re about to explode, it’s scary, lol.
Being a parent would be hard…
11:55 am on September 2nd, 2009
I am dealing with an 18 month year old who has just moved into the “Terrible Toddler” stage. I’m trying to use most of your point already, but I really like the “Ask, Say, Do” technique. It would give MissIcy more of a chance to affect her environment. Thanks for an interesting post.
11:59 am on September 2nd, 2009
Great techniques!! I wish I had learned some of them years ago when our children were smaller.
But thanks for sharing them for two reasons: cause they really are useful and practical; cause it shows your human side, which online media types sometimes forget is very important!
11:59 am on September 2nd, 2009
These lessons square with the way me and my husband approach parenting, although the final tip about quality time in short sharp bursts is new to me, and interesting. Escalation is something which can happen very easily even when you have the best of intentions, especially if you’re tired, unwell or have had a very stressful day. If things go completely pear-shaped we usually offer our four year-old son the chance for everyone to “start over again”, with a hug and an effort on all sides to do things the right way – he has to agree to it though. This generally works pretty well, and sometimes he’s the one who comes to us asking to start over again. :)
12:03 pm on September 2nd, 2009
thanks for posting this! i’m a mom to a 9 month old boy and seeing how his cousins are is scaring me and my husband haha! good luck to you and V :)
12:04 pm on September 2nd, 2009
Great thoughts Darren. One extra piece of info for the “telling not asking”, I’ve read that especially for boys, they need the telling (especially whilst they’re younger), whereas girls respond better to the ’suggestion’ (through asking).
I have seen many instances (we have 2 boys, 4 & 7) where asking (the approach favoured by my wife) doesn’t yield results – Telling seems to work well for the moment. I have always favoured the telling method as it lets the boys instantly engage the physical (act of doing) rather than the cerebral (hmm, a suggestion that it’s now time to go in the shower….nahh, play is better!)
As they get older I know we’ll have to adjust our strategy!
Cheers,
Andrew
12:05 pm on September 2nd, 2009
thanks everyone for the comments – Andrew – I think that the boys thing could definitely be true. Our 3 year old is certainly best to be ‘told’ than asked most of the time :-)
12:17 pm on September 2nd, 2009
great tips! my son is now 8 and we’ve used a lot of these same strategies! not to say that we haven’t fallen into the ‘tired parent’ syndrome sometimes and given in…the by-product of older parents and an only child!
12:38 pm on September 2nd, 2009
Great article Darren. Loved it. Been spending a lot of time working from home lately and these tips are great (I seem to be learning some of the same ones myself).
1:02 pm on September 2nd, 2009
Great article Darren. It was a good refresher for me. Now that we are into the craziness of school life, the quality time point gets harder to do. I try to remember to turn even little trips to the store into quality time by turning off the radio and asking them about their day, etc.
Can’t wait to hear what else you have to share and I am glad to see what you have turned this domain name into. I’ll be back!
1:06 pm on September 2nd, 2009
One of my finest moments of parenting (there have been few, so they’re memorable) was when I used the “escalator” image to teach my kids about “escalation.” No doubt we all still escalate with the best of them, but at least we can now label our misbehavior. *smile*
Those are all great tips. I could write a book of a comment, but I’ll refrain.
1:13 pm on September 2nd, 2009
So good to see so many parents intent on doing the right thing to ensure that the little ones will grow up into capable and responible adults.
All good points and tips you wrote. My wife and I have also found that it works well to make a comment like, “It would be helpful you did…” It provides guidance while also leaving space for the child to make the right decision without being told. This, as you point out, would only work if the task was well understood and the child was fully capable. It also works better with slightly older children, but 3 might be right at the cusp. And I’ll add that we have 2 girls (currently 3 and 7), so, based on previous comments, it might not work as well with boys (though I would caution expecting too much of a difference in treatment based on gender – you can easily end up in a self-fulfilling prophecy situation with your kids).
Thanks again for sharing, Clynton
2:13 pm on September 2nd, 2009
Darren, one thing I like to do with my pre-schooler is that every morning I pick out 2 outfits for her and let her choose which one she wants to wear. It gives her a certain amount of control and pleasure at being asked, while giving me the option of picking out somehting sensible. I extend this to other areas as well – give her 2 choices of food, 2 choices of where to go (big park or small park), etc. I find it results in a lot less tantrums on her part and a lot less cajoling on my part.
Salma.
2:49 pm on September 2nd, 2009
That’s a great shot of your boys, Darren. The younger one particularly looks like you, I think.
I appreciated these insights, but I particularly resonated with the “quality time” bit. I think time is one of the best gifts we can give to our kids – time to listen, to talk, to hug, to play. Time gives us the chance to teach our kids…and the truth is that they usually end up teaching US important lessons too. :)
6:15 pm on September 2nd, 2009
Great to see you sharing your thoughts on parenting Darren – and the positive parenting materials are great. Isn’t it so easy to fall into the escalation trap?! (Yes, guilty as charged.) As a teacher this was easy to avoid, but somehow as a parent I find it much more of a challenge…! Blessings to you, V and your boys :)
6:21 pm on September 2nd, 2009
As an Early Childhood Teacher who has worked with 0-8 year olds (and as a Mum), I have found using ‘choice’ is a great tool as well. You give the child two choices – one is the outcome you desire and the other is something that the child will find undesireable. They choose (thus feel in control) but the outcome (if you choose your choices well) is yours!
Christie
Find out more…http://childhood101.blogspot.com/
3:09 am on September 3rd, 2009
Sounds like these tips are consistent with a book that we’ve been reading: “1-2-3 Magic.” It was recommended by a relative who works with children in her line of work. As the parents of a two-year old, these tips and that book, especially, are helpful! I’d recommend it to any parent!!!
On that note, I agree that prevention of “escalating” behavior is a big piece that affects how we interact and enjoy our time with our daughter at this age and will prevent further issues down the road.
3:10 am on September 3rd, 2009
By the way, thanks for posting this!!!
3:12 am on September 3rd, 2009
So many to learn to be a father.
3:18 am on September 3rd, 2009
Darren,
It is nice to see you have a personal blog too. Hey, the escalation trap is exactly what happens at my house. I think I am going to try a different tactic. Nice tips! Thanks.
5:17 am on September 3rd, 2009
Excellent post and I can totally relate having a very assertive 2-yr old daughter. I like your tips on the step by step and the one on one time (Something I will need to remember when baby #2 is here).
One thing that has proven to work for me: When a child does not want to go. (You’re running late. It’s time to leave the park and go home for dinner, etc) I have my daughter repeat back the warnings/plan I tell her.
“Brooklin. We need to leave soon. Can you repeat that back to me please?” (Brooklin) “We need to leave soon.” …then a little later… “Ok Brooklin you can go down the slide one more time and then we are going home for dinner. Can you repeat back what I just said please?” (Brooklin) “One more slide and then we’re going home for dinner.”
This makes the plan more her own. She’s invested in leaving, or whatever it is we need to do. It works well for us … (Until the next phase. Am I right?!)
8:25 am on September 3rd, 2009
Christie – yes that’s another ‘tactic’ we use quite a bit. Two choices but both are things you want them to do. They feel empowered and you get something that you want too.
Only side effect of that one is that our 3 year old now does it too – “Daddy, can I have a chocolate or a new toy – which one?” :-)
2:33 pm on September 3rd, 2009
Very good advice. I think I am doing pretty good on most of them but the one I struggle with is the escalating (which is probably the worst one). Does your class give you tips on how NOT to escalate? It seems my dd will just ignore me until I raise my voice and I don’t know what else to do.
12:10 am on September 4th, 2009
Great advice for parents or baby-sitters. @Jill: Instead of raising your voice, take away privileges like the computer, video games, or toys. My Aunt and Uncle are finally doing this with their 12-year-old son who can be very bratty.
7:16 am on September 4th, 2009
I met a man recently who follows these rules pretty carefully. His kids are the best I’ve ever met, because they recognize that 1. He is the adult and their father, and is in charge. 2. That their actions have consequences. 3. That their dad will always be there for them.
It’s an interesting thing. Normally when I see a kid ask for ice cream and the parent says no, the kid whines until they get their way. But with his family, he tells them no and they smile, say “OK, Daddy” and then run to go play somewhere else. Of course, he says yes sometimes as well, and that’s why they know they should ask.
As a whole I am excited to try this with my kids, because it was so inspiring to me. Good to know you’re doing the same. :)
By setting boundaries with your kids, too, they more easily understand why they need to learn how to make decisions on their own. It’s certainly important for the parent to aide in their child’s decision making process for a while, but eventually (like was mentioned in comments) they need to learn how to make those decisions themselves.
I’m going to write a blog post about this actually, but in the mean time you may like this book called ‘Boundaries’ by Henry Cloud and Jon Townsend. It’s about how to take control of your life by saying yes and no, but there is some awesome parenting advice in there as well.
http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454/ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_b
Life changing book. I’ll probably read it a few times over.
3:19 pm on September 4th, 2009
Wow, all I can say is “boys, OMG!” I have three of them, ages 8, 7, and 17 months. From my experience, we’ve tried every technique, what works for us is keep them physically active so they can expend their energy, balance that with quiet activity to keep their minds active and we’ve learned that humor can diffuse most tantrums and distract our children from impending tantrums. ie, our youngest started stomping his feet when he wanted his way and we started doing it back at him and asking him “Are we dancing?” and then he’d laugh. Pretty soon, when he’d start to throw a fit by stomping his feet, he’d automatically remember how funny we made it and he’d start doing it playfully to get a laugh.
Some of the advice you’ve laid out below was totally helpful too, especially the one about telling them and not asking them to do something, giving them too many options doesn’t always work. Good luck!
3:15 pm on September 8th, 2009
These are great tips. I’m a grandparent and am around young ones again.
Rita
Blogging at The Survive and Thrive Boomer Guide
6:04 am on September 11th, 2009
I’m a new parent of a 6 week old baby boy. What a test in patience and love. These lessons are exactly what I needed today. I’m going to forward them to my wife.
I love the concept “ask, say, do” because it helps a child develop critical thinking skills early. My parents were doers and tried to do everything for me. I want to help my child figure out things for himself without needing me for every step.
4:35 am on October 7th, 2009
Thanks for the great post! I consider myself to be a very mindful parent. Some of the techniques you’ve enumerated above are ones that I have (without thinking much about it) already established, others are great jumping off points. Lately I’ve been trying to establish a personal that revolves around my responsibilities to create the harmony I want for our family. Chief among my tools is avoiding what you’ve title “The Escalation Trap”. I have labeled it “When they go up, I go down”, referring to chaos and noise levels.
I also just wanted to mention that I was attracted to this post because of the title which so closely resembles one that I wrote a few months back Parenting What I’ve Learned So Far . Having enjoyed your post I would get a kick out of your thoughts on mine!